Anger is a natural feeling, especially when we feel threatened or attacked in some way. Feeling anger and responding defensively is an instinctual survival skill. And, it’s also a natural, instinctive response to lash out when feeling threatened or angry. Read on for tips on how you can manage anger in most situations.
And as always, if you feel you have an anger management problem, there are ways to get help. Text “START” to 741-741 or call 988.
There are three approaches that we suggest for managing anger: expressing, suppressing, and calming.
There’s a reason people use phrases like “he exploded with anger.” If we suppress our anger or don’t find ways to express it healthfully, it’s bound to pop back up, and may show up in unexpected or aggressive ways. This is why it’s important to acknowledge anger and do our best to figure out what’s underneath the anger and find healthy ways to express how we’re feeling. Sometimes it can take some honest self-reflection time to figure out what’s causing the feelings of vulnerability, threat or injustice that most often underlie anger. During this time it may be helpful to talk with someone who can help you figure out what’s happening and who can provide a sounding board for ideas about how to express it in productive ways. After that, it’s important to express the anger and, if possible the underlying causes, to the person/people who need to hear what you have to say.
While suppressing anger over the long haul can make things worse, there are moments when we just need to step back and take a pause so we can avoid acting out in harmful or inappropriate ways. It’s OK to say something like, “I need to take a step back to calm down and regroup. I’ll come back to you when I’m ready to talk.”
During this time it can be helpful to take some deep breaths, listen to music, or participate in an activity that can distract you from your anger for a few minutes (a game on your phone, watching silly YouTube videos). Keep in mind that unless the situation is time sensitive, it’s fine to take the time you need to calm down and get ready to address what happened and the anger you felt in response.
While suppression is about preventing negative reactions in the moment, calming is about dealing with our internal reactions. Calming techniques slow our heart rate and let those big feelings give way to a little more inner peace. Breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, or simple movements are all good ways to find a calmer internal space so it’s more productive to express and examine our thoughts and feelings.
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